It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
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In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
is this how new cars are made??
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady