I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
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Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
This is true.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!