Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
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God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.