Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
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My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE