(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
The future is now.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.