i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
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Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
wtf is an acronym
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs