Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
no cat here
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help