Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me irl
Nice try, poison.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.