mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
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The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.