Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws