Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Breaking news:
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.