My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
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I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Lol.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.