Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Don’t snitch tag.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*