the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?