Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
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Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Fiction has to make sense.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]