colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
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4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I’m good, thanks.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second