Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
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Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.