Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”