MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
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[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
this is the greatest thing ever
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Strangers have the best candy.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.