Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
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Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Sing it!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”