I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
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A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”