I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My circle of trust is a meatball
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff