I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married