Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
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*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts