valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I’d love this…lol
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.