Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
You Might Also Like
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
The struggle is real.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*