the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
You Might Also Like
pep talk
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
thanksgiving in nutshell
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Easy enough.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I triple waxed for this?
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.