The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
greetings!
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I’ve had relationships like this
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.