*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
How funny!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Worth remembering.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.