Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄