Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
i love meeting boys on tinder
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.