When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When you don’t understand how floors work
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.