“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Meeeee too!
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest