What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
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Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.