Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.