Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
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Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
I would like even faster food.