NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
You Might Also Like
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Not today, today.
Not today.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast