[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
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App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
If you’re testing me, we failed.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god