You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
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[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Damn he played himself
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife