My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING