In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.