“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
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Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..