A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.