I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
You Might Also Like
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Pigeon open mic night.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.