physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
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I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk