“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
We avoided this particular disaster
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*