Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.