Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
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computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken