I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!