When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
who wants to go expliring
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.